Hot Haitian Night

The day before my last entry I hit rock bottom. I had been trapped in front of the computer for three days just entering data into an excel file. There was very little human interaction at the same time as the internet in the house decided to crash for a few days. I felt so isolated and lonely. Indescribable. And right now kind of surreal.

But it seems like I needed three weeks to start to feel comfortable and more secure here.
First week was all new and exciting. Second week reality caught up. And third week was lonely lonely lonely. But, yeah, on the 30th I broke down at the office and cried. It was a bit embarrassing, but also necessary. I think there were two good outcomes: 1. people got to understand that it can be difficult to be new and get zero introduction or orientation, alongside trying to cope with cultural differences, 2. I needed to cry and be done with it.
That day we went back to Petit-Goave, but this time to visit camps. It was interesting, but mostly it was so good to spend a whole day in the presence of other people. And I got to experience my first round of (amazingly cute) kids screaming "Blanc, Blanc!".

After that it's been going steadily up.
I have step by step dared to venture out and take back some freedom. Not a whole lot. And not all the time. But it’s the small things that count in these situations.

I have walked by foot from the house to the main road 'Route Delmas'. I should add that there are literally no white people walking in this country. Well, Meagan. She's the only one I've seen so far.
I love walking. Even here where it's more of a hike than a walk.

I have taken my very first Tap-Tap. They are colorful pickup trucks remodeled to take passengers in the back. It's a hail down, cram in, sweat all the water out of your body kind of thing.

I have also taken my first moto taxi ride. That is; get on the back of a motorcycle, hold on for dear life, and make sure to keep your knees and elbows in. Even more exciting! It's Meagan, again, who is the ultimate guide, and I'm so thankful for getting to see a bit more than the office and the house.

I have started to dare to say phrases in Creole, and I actually understand most if the person doesn't speak too fast (or I'm too tired).

Tuesday we went on a monitoring visit to the camp Champ de Mars that holds over 50.000 people. I don’t know what to say about that. I’ve been struggling lately with the picture people get of Haiti. It’s partly the reason why I haven’t written in a while.
It’s a balance. The situation here is bad. Really bad for some. And that needs to be communicated to the world. Especially since there are a gazillion aid agencies and international organizations here that say a lot of nice things on their web pages about what they do. But if you spend five minutes in a place like Champ de Mars you’ll start to wonder where all the money is disappearing. There’s a need for accountability.
But at the same time I want to watch it so that I don’t get all “poor Haiti”. There’s no point in US crying about it. That’s for them to do – and they aren’t. People in the camp were really nice. I got a new buddy. She’s three and looked at me with big eyes, and eventually dared to take my hand.
You see all you international organizations, the most important thing is the easiest thing: talk to people!
There are standards and codes of conduct outlined for how to do relief work. This is called the SPHERE handbook. Google that. Read it. It’ll go on about participation. And using the local capacities. And how the people in need really knows best about their own situation. And needs to be respected. I wonder how much resources went into the making of that handbook.
Our program director had a meeting with some hot shots from the UN yesterday. There were at least five security cars with their engines running in the yard, blocking the gate, and around the office. I asked him how it went. He started a rant. He was SO angry (and amusingly enough not afraid to tell them that) because they had just made a new report on the internally displaced people here. And when they’re done they come and talk to local organizations about it. In his opinion just so it can look good on paper. Because what is the point in talking to the locals when the report is already finished?
Frustration.

I don’t know if I came to any conclusions about what I started here, but anyways.
Just wanted to let you know that of course everything I write will be through my ‘Swedish lens’. But I am so blessed to be working with gifted, engaged Haitian people. I was hoping to contribute, but as always I end up just learning. It’s such a gift, and even though it is trying at times, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime, and something that will shape me for sure.

Life here is slow time to time, my social network is limited, and I’m an anxious soul. But it’s wonderful to just learn that also. To take in all the impressions. To enjoy the car ride every day. The nature. The colors. The people. Just now I sat on the balcony on the swing and just soaked in all the lights from the houses on the hillside, the voices singing in the night, and the noises from the neighbors and the city. Then a light rain started to fall. It was somehow such a beautiful moment. Right before then I was frustrated and sad. With the internet not working. With missing my beloved. With the empty, dark house. But a quiet moment in the hot Haitian night somehow made it better.
It’s a beautiful country.

/L